212 Harry Flatcap, the one from St
Hello!
Have to type this quickly. Harry Flatcap here from Strarbucks Coffee Shop,
Cumbernauld. I’m on one of their computers, accessing the internet, and
it’s costing me by the minute so I’ll make it a quick one this week if you
don’t mind.
After losing my job last week and being forcibly evicted from my house I was
left with hardly any money, walking the streets, living rough on the mean
backalleys of Dingwall. I’ve been a little like the ‘Littlest Hobo’,
wandering from town to town in the intervening week. Indeed the theme song
for that masterpiece of televisual entertainment keeps floating round me
head. That was useful, as I earned a few quid busking it to ensure I had
the money to pay for this column to be written. So don’t forget, when
you’re sat in your plush comfy chair, staring at this message with a nice
drink in one hand and your other hand resting happily on your mouse mat,
there are people out there living rough, on the streets, with no money.
It’s certainly opened my eyes, until they were both closed by a Rangers fan.
My experience of sleeping rough on the streets led me to sing the
following line one cold and frosty morning in Glasgows city centre:
“Oh! Think twice, it’s another day for you and me in Paradise”
“Take that yer Celtic ******” Bam!
So here I am, hair matted and itching continuously. My clothes beginning to
smell of urine, and there are crumbs forming in the side of my newly grown
beard. I’ve travelled my way through the East of Scotland in the faint hope
I may find salvation, civilisation (England), or a TV/radio studio who can
fix me up with a bit of match analysis and a cup of tea. I’m open to
offers, and you can contact me on harryflatcap@hotmail.com (you will have to
wait until I’ve earned enough busking to visit the internet caf again) or
you can leave parcels behind the cistern of the first urinal in Cumbernauld
High Streets public toilet – I’ll keep checking the area on an hourly basis.
Having all this free time has given me time to ponder on a great number of
issues in the football world today. Such as the England versus Australia
game. I watched the match from a Dixons shop window. Why would England
want to play a home game on a ground where the home team never ever seem to
win a match?
Speaking of West Ham - When is Glenn Roeder going to get the
push? Being a fellow manager I hope it never happens and dearly hope he
‘turns it round’ for the Hammers, but everyone knows he won’t and available
managers like me are just waiting for the big opportunity to save the club.
The great thing about taking the job now is that if you fail you can use the
excuse “Well, I couldn’t bring any new players in because the transfer
window was shut wasn’t it?” Then the media will blame the board for not
acting with foresight, just like fellow doomed merchants Sunderland who gave
me old mate Peter Reid all that money to spend on Marcus Stewart and Tore
Andre Flo to turn around Sunderlands season and then sacked him a couple of
weeks later, incurring even further expense.
As a manager ‘on the prowl’ for a new club, I was also disappointed to learn
that two managers walking the tightrope at the moment were able to steer
their clubs beyond the banana skin and into the 6th round of the cup. Terry
Venables and Dave Jones will be delighted, but I have to kick my heels as I
believe I would be a good candidate for the position of manager at either
Leeds United or Wolves. A proven track record, experience at the highest
level, used to working with not too much money would all be factors in
favour of an appointment for me at either Elland Road or Molineux. It was
also be a lifelong ambition to manage either club and I would tell the media
that there is no better club to join than either of these two and I have
reached the pinnacle of my career in charge of one of them, as clearly
either of them are going places in the future and I want to be part of it.
It doesn’t matter which one, or for that matter, any other club angling for
a new manager, I have had plenty of experience of handling the media once I
obtain a new job and the right words to say always come flooding back after
years of practice.
Getting back to the England match, why does Sven Goran Eriksson go to
matches like Arsenal v. Liverpool? Memo to Sven – There aren’t any England
players to watch! He’d be better off going to Arsenal reserve games, or
competitive matches at a level where he will see plenty of English players,
such as Nationwide division 2 matches. Did my old mate Fergie really
condemn the Arsenal players for chasing the ref around contesting decisions
in the big cup match at the weekend? Surely Fergie has re-invented the old
Arsene line of “I did not see it” with a bad case of “I can not remember it”
when his own players do the same? Or maybe this is the first symptom of
Alzheimers for the grizzly old United campaigner? These are the issues I’ve
been pondering with time on my hands.
Another talking point from the
England match was the issue of appearances for the national team. Sven had
to negotiate with club managers to play all his players for just one half,
and had to limit the number of players from the top clubs. The solution is
simple: The FA should pay clubs for their players to represent England.
With chairman suddenly aware of a money making opportunity, see how many
players are thrust upon Sven then! Maybe I shouldn’t slag off the Chairman
though, they do a good job under difficult circumstances earning a pittance
what they could earn in the real world, and I want one of them to employ me
soon so I don’t dare slag them off too much!
Better wrap up now, as I can see one of the Starbucks waitresses poi
