217 Weekend punting, Feb 28 2003

The first domestic trophy of the English season is decided this weekend. The Worthington Cup, long dismissed as an inconvenience by the "big" clubs, has suddenly taken on new importance. Indeed, it probably represents the best opportunity for both Manchester United and Liverpool to win some silverware this season.



It's always a tad risky punting on teams who've been in Champions League or UEFA Cup action the preceding week so, consequently, the game looks a less than attractive betting proposition.



As we edge towards the business end of the season, there are an increasing number of "must win" games for clubs each week. Sunderland face some such encounter with their visit to London to take n Fulham. Having been comprehensively dumped out of the FA Cup at Burnley, in addition to playing twice in 48 hours, Fulham look prime candidates to be turned over. There has to be a distinct possibility that Howard Wilkinson's men might just be able to keep themselves in touch with the rest of the Premiership stragglers. At 4-1, and with Kevin Phillips re-discovering his goal touch, there are certainly worse bets this weekend.



Elsewhere, West Ham United need to build on last weekend's success at the Hawthorns if they are to have realistic hopes of survival. Tottenham, currently bereft of anything much in the way of strikers, are surely there for the taking? At 7-5, the Hammers need to and should clinch their second Upton Park victory of the season.



There is only one game in the 1st Division that has any real appeal and that is Stoke City to beat Burnley at 6-4. Tony Pulis' side will be desperate for the points in their battle against the drop, whilst the visitors, stranded in mid-table no-man's land and with an FA Cup quarter-final to look forward to, may have their minds elsewhere.



Bristol City, boosted by the loan signing of Mark Robins from Rotherham United, should be good enough to continue their recent improvement and secure the three points at home to Bobby Gould's relegation threatened Cheltenham Town at odds of 4-7. Crewe Alexandra will be looking to hang on to second spot with victory at home to improving Peterboro. The 4-9 on offer may be a tad short, but it is hard to oppose Dario Gradi's team. There's a vital relegation scrap at the McAlpine Stadium, where Huddersfield Town entertain Northampton Town. The Terriers have found scoring goals problematic all season, but have gradually starting to find some form. The Cobblers, on the other hand, are in free-fall, having just sacked Terry Fenwick after seven games without victory that saw the club plummet into the bottom four. The 5-6 for Huddersfield looks a reasonable punt. Wigan Athletic, 12 points clear at the summit, look too strong for Chesterfield, although 3-10 does look particularly unattractive for a side that have a tendency to only win narrowly. Luton Town, pressing strongly for a play-off spot, could present some value at 6-4 to take the points at Notts County. Blackpool, at 8-11, should maintain their play-off hopes with victory over mid-table Wycombe Wanderers.



In Division three, Cambridge United could be worth keeping an eye on at 11-10 to beat Torquay United. John Taylor's side are fairly prolific in front of goal. For their part, Torquay, despite their elevated position, are less than tight defensively. Both will be desperate for the points in the battle for play-off spots.



On paper, the Scottish Premier should feature the customary stroll for Celtic (1-7) and Rangers (2-9) against Hibernian and Livingston respectively. That said, Celtic had a tough UEFA Cup trip to Stuttgart and are still without the prolific Henrik Larsson. Rangers have hardly been wiping the floor with the opposition of late and their price looks far from appealing given that they are away from Ibrox and Livingston are no mugs.



There looks to be better value on offer in the Scottish first division. There are three decent looking away wins in the form of St Johnstone (8-11), Ayr United (Evens) and Falkirk (8-11) at Alloa, Arbroath and Queen of the South respectively. As the odds suggest, it's a case of stragglers against high-fliers. It would be surprising if at least two from three away wins don't materialise from these games.



In the Scottish second, leaders Raith Rovers should return to winning ways at 8-11 at home to Dumbarton.



Rock-bottom East Stirling have been playing, and losing, almost every other day of late (or so it seems). Yet to win a home league game this season, the visit of Albion Rovers (4-6) looks unlikely to provide a change in fortune.



Looking to the continent, Atletico Bilbao at 4-7 look a solid bet to see off the seemingly doomed Recreativo Huelva. Real Madrid (4-5) will be looking to maintain the pressure on Real Sociedad with victory at Alaves, still reeling from a 6:0 trouncing at Deportivo La Coruna last weekend.



In Serie A, Adriano-inspired Parma (8-15) should be too strong for struggling Modena. AC Milan at 1-3 should take the points at home to Atalanta.



In the Bundesliga, 4-9 Borussia Dortmund will be looking to keep their play-off hopes on track with a win over improving Hansa Rostock. Runaway leaders Bayern Munich (8-11) will be expected to collect another three points in their trip to Energie Cottbus. It's easy to write off Bayer Leverkusen, but they could offer some value at 5-4 for a home win over Werder Bremen. It's worth noting that they have been resting players in the Champions League to boost their league survival hopes and they still have the bulk of last season's phenomenally successful squad to call upon.



Elsewhere, taking odds from the web, there are a few other attractive opportunities. The Dutch Eredivisie is often a league for picking a few "bankers" for accumulators. Ajax at 1-4 at home to Vitesse Arnhem and Feyenoord at

216 Worthington Cup Final 2003, Ma

Who would have thought we would ever see the day when Alex Ferguson rests his players from a Champions League match in Turin, so that they may be available for a Worthington Cup match. There are three reasons, United haven’t won anything for a season, it’s the final and finally because it’s Liverpool. We look at United’s likely line-up, tactics and prospects for victory.



Line-up


Injuries will take something away from United’s team, with seven first-teamers injured. Currently injured and definitely out are Fortune and Forlan, and Silvestre and Brown are also unlikely to recover in time. Giggs and Scholes are rated as 50-50 chances and will probably start on the bench at best, but O’Shea should recover from his chest infection. The admissions that Laurent Blanc has had his day and that Roy Keane is past his best, may see Ferguson deploy Roy Keane at centre-half again on Sunday.



Expect the starting line-up to be little different from Tuesday night, with van Nistelrooy starting at the expense of the unfortunate Forlan.



(4-2-3-1)



Barthez;


G Neville, Ferdinand, Keane, O’Shea;


Butt, Veron;


Beckham, P Neville, Solskjaer;


Van Nistelrooy;



Tactics


United may come unstuck if they try to overwhelm Liverpool early on. Liverpool are set up to defend deeply, suck teams in and then utilise the pace of Owen and Heskey. To counter this I think that Veron and Butt will sit in front of the defence to try to block off supply channels through the centre that Liverpool usually try to exploit.
Liverpools well documented lack of width can force them to play through the middle and this is where the danger lies.



A second attacking strength for Liverpool is the long passing of Gerrard, who usually aims for Owen and could be a potential match winner. So employing Phil Neville in a man marking job may be appropriate.



Given the ability in the air of Hyppia I don’t think Beckham will get much joy from bread and butter crosses so I expect he will play more centrally in an old-fashioned inside right kind of role.



I think Manchester United will play a competitive, patient game and will try to stretch the game whenever they can, but will not overcommit in the early exchanges.



Prospects


After a strong surge immediately before Christmas and after new year Manchester United appear to be entering the business end of the season inconsistently. Perhaps the team is now so geared for European football that Premiership matches are not as natural to them. Whatever the Premiership is now drifting away, the Champions League is always tough and they will have good focus on this game because it offers the easiest route to a trophy for a couple of years. United are odds-on favourites but will only win if they don’t believe that turning up is sufficient. A win by an odd goal seems probable possibly after extra time.

215 Tractor trouble

Having long been regarded as the quintessential well-run "family" club, the recent announcement regarding Ipswich Town going into "temporary (?)" administration was one that was indicative of the seemingly insurmountable financial chasm between the Premiership and the Nationwide leagues.



Suddenly, a club renowned for being more financial prudent than Gordon Brown, finds itself in debt to the tune of £45 million - largely as a result of plunging through the Premiership trapdoor last season.



In keeping with so many clubs who suffer the fate of Premiership relegation, Ipswich have been hit by the three usual suspects:



1. the loss of Premiership TV revenue from Sky


2. the collapse of ITV Digital


3. transfer fees that are falling faster than Ashley Cole.



Whereas a year ago, the club could rely not only on Rupert Murdoch's millions, but, if deemed necessary, the potential transfer value of the likes of Matt Holland, Hermann Hreidarsson, Marcus Bent and co. Now however, with the transfer market suddenly crashing back to something approaching realistic levels, the inflated figures of even a year ago are no longer being paid. In a further sign that the market is now very much a buyer's one, Newcastle United recently made a derisory offer of a mere £3 miilion for Ipswich youngsters Darren Ambrose, Darren Bent and Matthew Bloomfield. Generous though the offer was, it was turned down. However, the mere fact that it was made at all was a further indication of the new realism facing clubs, especially those in need of a cash injection.



Many of Ipswich's current money worries relate to their transfer policy at the beginning of the 2001-2 campaign, when fresh from finishing 5th in the Premiership the previous season, they invested heavily in new players in a misguided attempt at establishing themselves in the top flight. In came Matteo Sereni from Sampdoria for £4.5 million, Finidi George from Mallorca for £3 million and Marcus Bent for a similar fee from Blackburn Rovers.



All three have been less than shrewd investments. Sereni, after initially impressing, now finds himself on a season-loan at Brescia. George has been about as useful to Ipswich as a return ticket for a Palestinian suicide bus-bomber. Bent seems to be perpetually on the verge of moving to pastures new, having failed to secure a regular starting role.



Given the current financial predicament, the sacking of George Burley did seem somewhat ill-timed. Despite a few questionable forays into the transfer market (Ulrich Le Pen and Amir Karic), he certainly left a stronger team than that which he had inherited. The fact that he still had three and a half years left on his contract made his dismissal all the more bewildering, as the club are hardly in an ideal position to pay the remainder off.



Given the circumstances, Burley's successor, Joe Royle has made a decent enough start to his stint in the Portman Road dug-out. That said, given the players at his disposal, anything other than an end-of-season play-off spot will still be seen as failure. If the club fail in their attempt at an immediate return to the Premiership, it would seem almost inevitable that there will be a major summer clear-out, with the Bents, Ambrose, Holland and Hreidarsson all likely to move on. Should such a scenario ensue, it could be a while before Suffolk sees top-flight football again.

214 PREMIERSHIP: Basement baggies

Following Sunday's 2:1 defeat in the "Mother of all six-pointers" (or at least until the next one) at home to West Ham, there now seems little hope of Premiership survival for West Bromwich Albion this season.



This should hardly come as much of a surprise to anyone, as the club themselves seem to have spent the current campaign preparing for the seeming inevitability of a return to Nationwide league football.



Having seen the economic plight that relegation has inflicted on the likes of Derby County, Sheffield Wednesday, Bradford City (among others), it seems the club made a conscious decision before the season even got underway, that they would pretty much go with those players who got them promoted. In effect, they adopted the long-term policy of Charlton Athletic, rather than gamble everything on Premiership survival. A commendable show of loyalty in those that got them to where they are now, but one that was always likely to end in a swift return to Division one football.



Whilst it should be acknowledged that Gary Megson could perhaps have done more in securing someone who could score a few goals, it is difficult to argue with the club's decision to think of future stability above the natural desire of supporters to see big name signings at The Hawthorns.



Many have already speculated that, should they go down, W.B.A. will be in a strong position for an immediate return to the top flight, given that they will not be under any significant pressure to sell off their better players, as is often the case with other relegated clubs.



With relegation from the Premiership taking some clubs to the brink of extinction, it has to be time that the clubs' boards came up with a more just alternative to the current situation, where those that face the drop are invariably plunged into an immediate financial abyss.



There simply has to be a way in which TV revenue can be allocated to provide a more level playing field. At present, unless a club has a wealthy owner prepared to back them financially (who are themselves often less committed to the club than they might first appear), there seems to be a system akin to that of Russian Roulette in place. Basically, a promoted club has to weigh up whether they risk all on survival, or more or less accept immediate relegation in the hope of a swift return, having gained experience, signed a couple of quality players and made a few quid from Sky in the meantime.



The alternative is a Premiership where the gap between the top and bottom not only grows ever wider, but one where, sooner rather than later, a relegated club is going to go out of business as a result.

212 Harry Flatcap, the one from St

Hello!



Have to type this quickly. Harry Flatcap here from Strarbucks Coffee Shop,
Cumbernauld. I’m on one of their computers, accessing the internet, and
it’s costing me by the minute so I’ll make it a quick one this week if you
don’t mind.



After losing my job last week and being forcibly evicted from my house I was
left with hardly any money, walking the streets, living rough on the mean
backalleys of Dingwall. I’ve been a little like the ‘Littlest Hobo’,
wandering from town to town in the intervening week. Indeed the theme song
for that masterpiece of televisual entertainment keeps floating round me
head. That was useful, as I earned a few quid busking it to ensure I had
the money to pay for this column to be written. So don’t forget, when
you’re sat in your plush comfy chair, staring at this message with a nice
drink in one hand and your other hand resting happily on your mouse mat,
there are people out there living rough, on the streets, with no money.
It’s certainly opened my eyes, until they were both closed by a Rangers fan.



My experience of sleeping rough on the streets led me to sing the
following line one cold and frosty morning in Glasgows city centre:



“Oh! Think twice, it’s another day for you and me in Paradise”



“Take that yer Celtic ******” Bam!



So here I am, hair matted and itching continuously. My clothes beginning to
smell of urine, and there are crumbs forming in the side of my newly grown
beard. I’ve travelled my way through the East of Scotland in the faint hope
I may find salvation, civilisation (England), or a TV/radio studio who can
fix me up with a bit of match analysis and a cup of tea. I’m open to
offers, and you can contact me on harryflatcap@hotmail.com (you will have to
wait until I’ve earned enough busking to visit the internet caf again) or
you can leave parcels behind the cistern of the first urinal in Cumbernauld
High Streets public toilet – I’ll keep checking the area on an hourly basis.



Having all this free time has given me time to ponder on a great number of
issues in the football world today. Such as the England versus Australia
game. I watched the match from a Dixons shop window. Why would England
want to play a home game on a ground where the home team never ever seem to
win a match?



Speaking of West Ham - When is Glenn Roeder going to get the
push? Being a fellow manager I hope it never happens and dearly hope he
‘turns it round’ for the Hammers, but everyone knows he won’t and available
managers like me are just waiting for the big opportunity to save the club.
The great thing about taking the job now is that if you fail you can use the
excuse “Well, I couldn’t bring any new players in because the transfer
window was shut wasn’t it?” Then the media will blame the board for not
acting with foresight, just like fellow doomed merchants Sunderland who gave
me old mate Peter Reid all that money to spend on Marcus Stewart and Tore
Andre Flo to turn around Sunderlands season and then sacked him a couple of
weeks later, incurring even further expense.



As a manager ‘on the prowl’ for a new club, I was also disappointed to learn
that two managers walking the tightrope at the moment were able to steer
their clubs beyond the banana skin and into the 6th round of the cup. Terry
Venables and Dave Jones will be delighted, but I have to kick my heels as I
believe I would be a good candidate for the position of manager at either
Leeds United or Wolves. A proven track record, experience at the highest
level, used to working with not too much money would all be factors in
favour of an appointment for me at either Elland Road or Molineux. It was
also be a lifelong ambition to manage either club and I would tell the media
that there is no better club to join than either of these two and I have
reached the pinnacle of my career in charge of one of them, as clearly
either of them are going places in the future and I want to be part of it.
It doesn’t matter which one, or for that matter, any other club angling for
a new manager, I have had plenty of experience of handling the media once I
obtain a new job and the right words to say always come flooding back after
years of practice.



Getting back to the England match, why does Sven Goran Eriksson go to
matches like Arsenal v. Liverpool? Memo to Sven – There aren’t any England
players to watch! He’d be better off going to Arsenal reserve games, or
competitive matches at a level where he will see plenty of English players,
such as Nationwide division 2 matches. Did my old mate Fergie really
condemn the Arsenal players for chasing the ref around contesting decisions
in the big cup match at the weekend? Surely Fergie has re-invented the old
Arsene line of “I did not see it” with a bad case of “I can not remember it”
when his own players do the same? Or maybe this is the first symptom of
Alzheimers for the grizzly old United campaigner? These are the issues I’ve
been pondering with time on my hands.


Another talking point from the
England match was the issue of appearances for the national team. Sven had
to negotiate with club managers to play all his players for just one half,
and had to limit the number of players from the top clubs. The solution is
simple: The FA should pay clubs for their players to represent England.
With chairman suddenly aware of a money making opportunity, see how many
players are thrust upon Sven then! Maybe I shouldn’t slag off the Chairman
though, they do a good job under difficult circumstances earning a pittance
what they could earn in the real world, and I want one of them to employ me
soon so I don’t dare slag them off too much!



Better wrap up now, as I can see one of the Starbucks waitresses poi

213 Beckham gets the boot

nting me
out to security as I guess in my present vagrant state I’m not particularly
welcome.



Hopefully I’ll earn enough from the busking to pay for me to be back on the
website next week.



Altogether now: “Blue, blue, electric blue, that’s the colour of my room,
where I will live” Bam!



“Take that you Rangers *******!”


For no reason that seems obvious, a not unusual dressing room tantrum has dominated many of the best minds and newspapers in the country. And also the Daily Mail. During an untimely winter break whilst squarefootball towers was being fumigated the biggest football story of the year broke. Alex Ferguson apparently, we have this on good authority, sometimes gets upset when everything doesn’t go his way.



There can be benefits from hearing about a story without knowing the full facts, because it seems that only a handful of people know the full facts and they are not telling. So please bare in mind that this article boasts no inside knowledge, no special access and no real interest in the facts. So very like everything else you will have read on the matter.



One long piece about the incident, in the Daily Mail, made much play on the footballers as unfit role models idea. Who has ever considered footballers to be good role models anyway? Overpaid athletes have long been a target for newspaper hacks, perhaps because they are talented and rich, whereas the journalists aren’t. But the fatuous quotes in the article, about ‘this is the same nation that went over the top at the Somme’ or ‘fought on the beaches at Normandy’ were really irritating. Since when did Britain have a monopoly on courage? As a nation we are long past the idea of mute subservience to our betters, so we are unlikely to suffer another Somme because our ruling class would never dare ask for that kind of sacrifice again. Probably.



Britain has changed over the years and role models for the young are now almost exclusively rich, high profile and attractive (or 2 out of 3 at least, there is no other way to understand Chris Evans). Poor people with morals will cut no ice with the kids. This is why Ali G is more popular than Billy Bragg ever was. This is why news that David Beckham has changed his toilet roll colour is more important than if say, Martin Keown donated his face to medical science.



A friend of mine who became a Manchester United reporter for one of the big English tabloids told me recently that he has never been so busy. Stories about David Beckham are so popular that his face now appears outside the sport section of papers more often than in them. So he is constantly being told to find out tittle-tattle because the press conferences are so stage managed and real news is released when the clubs want it released.



Bust ups happen in dressing rooms, because everyone wants to win – but for every winner there has to be a loser (unless it was a draw, and then there is always the possibility of penalties). That this incident has been blown so much out of proportion owes everything to the cult of celebrity and very little to football.



A boots,


B bleeds,


And about this so little is said.


But really,


A boots,


And A-list bleeds,


And about this too much is said.

211 Lies, damned lies and Leeds Un

Despite having steered Leeds United from perennial challengers for a Champions League spot to nothing better than mid-table obscurity in half-a-season, recent events at Elland Road mean that Terry Venables, hardly deserving of much sympathy in my opinion, has been given a get out of jail card. Now, rather than having to accept responsibility for some desperately poor results, Venables can lay the blame squarely at the directors for having sold off his prized assets to meet the demands of the plc.



As Chairman and Chief Executive, Peter Ridsdale has presided over the departures of Rio Ferdinand, Robbie Keane, Lee Bowyer, Olivier Dacourt, Robbie Fowler and Jonathan Woodgate, bolstering the club's coffers to the tune of around £56 million once various clauses and add-ons are taken into account. With an additional annual saving of £10 million in players' wages, the future should at least now be reasonably secure. But is it?



Despite my qualms about the perma-tanned one, there seems little doubt that Ridsdale has been less than honest in his dealings with Venables.



There are still a number of points that those running the club need to answer:



· Why is it deemed necessary to continually lay the blame for the excessive expenditure at the feet of David O'Leary? It was surely the duty of Ridsdale and his fellow board members to call a halt long before the situation got anywhere near the stage where the recent drastic action was required? Who sanctioned these deals? Are we to believe that O'Leary had open access to the cheque book throughout his tenure? If so, what is Ridsdale there for?



· Why, when appointed, was Venables told that he only needed to bring in £15 million to help balance the books?



· In addition, why was Venables told that the surplus from the Ferdinand fee was to be invested in three or four new signings to enable the club to have a realistic shot at the title? The subsequent signings of Nick Barmby and Paul Okon hardly fill the criteria. Only a few months previously, Ridsdale had said that the squad was top heavy to the tune of four players and would be pruned accordingly - two statements that contradict each other somewhat?



· Why was Venables assured that if Fowler left, there would be no need for further departures?



· Why were negotiations opened with Kleberson, when it appears the club couldn't even have afforded his bus fare to Rio airport, never mind any transfer fee and salary? Was this all just a smokescreen in order to appease the fans?



· Why was the Fowler transfer fee "negotiated" down by £1 million, after the player had initially indicated that it was he who felt the move wasn't right for him and it was obvious throughout that Kevin Keegan was desperate to secure his services. Why was it suddenly deemed necessary to re-structure the deal on worse terms than those originally agreed?



· If Ferdinand was only ever signed as cover for Woodgate, now that neither are available, how does he justify the sale of the latter from a playing perspective?



· Have the demands of the plc dictated that any Champions League ambitions have been consigned to the history books? If, in order to balance the books, the best players are sold, it goes without saying that the competitiveness of the team will suffer. Has the 5-year plan to establish the team among the European elite been shelved? If not, how and when is this to be achieved? The fall down the Premiership table will naturally result in a drop in TV revenue from the subsequent lack of appearances on Sky (this has already led to a substantial drop in revenue this season).



· Why was it apparently taken for granted that the club would be able to service its enormous debts through Champions League involvement? Even when reaching the semi-finals in 2001, the club only made £20 million. Was this level of success to be expected every season?



· How can the salaries of the club's directors be justified when compared to those at the plc's of other clubs? Notwithstanding a 36% pay cut, Ridsdale is still on an incredible £383,000 per annum!



· How close was the club to going into administration? Is the threat still there?



· Is the debt level now under manageable control? If so, why are reserve and youth players still being continually sent out on loan, if not to lessen the demands on the wage bill still further (it's not to gain experience!)?



· Who decided that it made sense to take out a 25-year loan of £60 million at a fixed-rate of 7.69%, resulting in annual interest payments alone of £4 million? If that weren't bad enough, why was all this money spent within nine weeks?



· If Ridsdale believes that there is no argument between losing 10,000 season ticket holders or gaining £9 million from the sale of Woodgate, what sort of message does he think this sends out as to his aspirations for the team and his regard for the supporters?



· In the last financial year, £53.6 million was spent on player's wages - a wages-to-turnover ratio of 77%. Certainly not unique at football clubs, but why was it allowed to reach such an unsustainable level?



· Why was the O'Leary compensation claim allowed to drag on for over 6-months before being settled out of court? The adverse publicity from the case was hardly helpful.



· What on earth has Max Clifford, PR Guru, done to justify being paid by the plc? It would be difficult to envisage how the club could have a worse public image than it does now in terms of how it has been run.

209 Harry Flatcap is sacked after

Brannan or Jamie Pollock or other midfielders we’ve suffered in the not too distant past. Maybe he felt that he also has something to prove within the
club because just one game after his virtuoso Watford debut he was sidelined for a long time with injury. Whilst Berkovic was missing Keegan drafted in Ali Benarbia, who eclipsed Berkovic all season long and won the supporters player of the season award.



It is probably a combination of all those factors, plus more that I’m not privy to, but the surprisingly rarely heard chant of “Eyal, Eyal Berkovic” emanating from the away supporters in Old Trafford last Sunday must surely have been music to Eyals ears.


(once again this weeks Flatcap was dictated to the editor as Harry currently has no computer access as a result of him currently living rough on the streets of Dingwall, Scotland)



Good afternoon to you, and I write to you once again from the unfortunate position of a person joining the ranks of the unemployed. Yes, I find myself out of work, an unprecedented (even for me) sack 3 times in one season, with the whiff of controversy and rumours and allegations flying around my ear lugs. Indeed I’d guess that the fingers of local journalist Archie McLekerman have never throbbed as much as they must do right now as he keyed story after story about my plight and that of Ross County.



I concluded my column last week with a game against Ayr to look forward to. My team of young bairns, decimated by the number of players lost due to cost cutting measures snapped and snarled around the pitch but to no avail, and 90 minutes of 11-men defending eventually resulted in a 1-0 defeat.



My problem with this game however was that I had to do everything on my own on account of the mysterious no-show of my assistant manager, Jack Steiner. I was not impressed. You never see the manager of the team walking on the pitch half an hour before the game throwing little yellow discs onto the ground, and I felt it was a job beneath me that I shouldn’t be doing. It later transpired that Jack hadn’t arrived in Ayr because he was actually in Tokyo at the time. His explanation? He thought Ross County were playing Vasco de Gama in the final of the World Club Championship. Clearly Jack has allowed fact and fiction to cloud his judgement and because he had guided Ross County into the World Club Championship on his game of Championship Manager at home somehow he’d believed this had really happened and he’s packed his bags and set off to Japan. Clearly a confused man, I sacked him immediately (after confirming with the chairman we could get rid of him without paying him any compensation).



Secondly, just before the kick-off, our mad Latvian goalkeeper Alex Klinkio, who I’d signed the week before to replace drug-crazed lunatic Mark Boznik demanded his expenses be paid immediately or he wasn’t playing.



“But Alex,”



I protested



“we can sort out your bus pass for next week when we are back in the office – I just don’t have £7.50 on me right now”



“No no no! You crazy guy! You lose all the team money! I get my bus pass now or I don’t play today”



“So how are you going to get home Alex?”



“I have last weeks bus pass”



“But that expired yesterday”



“No, I won’t listen to your crazy mouthings. I’m off. I will get my agent to say stuff you you British pig!”



And with that he was off, storming out of the office and slamming the door behind him leaving a shocked dressing room staring at me in silence. So I had to so 2 things. Firstly I gave a debut to another young Ross County manchild, Paul Barleywater, who at 14 and a half was clearly in for a real baptism, particularly as he’d only travelled with us to be the club mascot. It’s a testimony to how well he played (and how bad Ayr are of course) that he kept the score down to a one goal deficit. The second task I had to undertake was to ring the local transport company and alert them that Klinkio was travelling on an expired pass, and subsequently he was arrested and then deported. Dingwall council take a very dim view on fare dodgers as you can see.



I was pilloried in the press once again for my tactics during the match. Even when we went 1-0 down I refused to throw a man upfront to try and nick a goal. My feelings were that if we pushed forward, exposing our just-out-of-pampers goalkeeper we risked humiliation, and this would reduce morale. So we defended to ensure we suffered nothing worse than a one goal deficit. Unfortunately though our next match didn’t help my status as club manager, and couldn’t have come at a worse time.



As you know, there is nothing I like better than doing my bit for charity, as my recent number one hit record raising money for the unemployable down and outs in the League Managers Association testifies. I’d been listening to the radio and hearing adverts for the charity Football Aid, where the average bloke in the street can bid to win a place in a team that will play on a venue such as Old Trafford, Anfield, or St. James’ Park. I thought it wouldn’t do any harm if we offered our stadium up for such a game, give the loyal fans of Ross County the chance to tread the hallowed turf. I was disappointed to hear that after my recent organised activities had attracted much criticism (you’ll recall the night I arranged promising Diana Ross
would turn up to our social club without actually checking with her first for availability) therefore very few people took up the bidding for the 2 teams we were expecting to receive.



At the end of the bidding we had 11 players, the total bids raising £17.51 for charity. Undeterred I agreed to still stage the match, only the 11 who had won the auction would be given the opportunity to play THE ROSS COUNTY FIRST TEAM. This excited the organisers of Football Aid as it was the first time a club had agreed to play against the bidders, so there was understandably a lot of interest when we lined up against a bunch of 11 beer bellied 40-somethings who clearly hadn’t collectively worn a pair of football boots in 20 years. Indeed some of them spent the 5 minute pre-match warm up puffing heavily on a fag before wheezing onto the pitch. Imagine my surprise therefore when we were comprehensively turned over 3-0. It was a result that certainly didn’t do my standing within the club any good, particularly as my chairman, behind the scenes, was putting together a rescue package to ensure the club was no
longer penniless.



It transpired

208 Berkovic is the best midfielde

It was nice to see the plaudits handed out to Eyal Berkovic after the
Manchester derby at Old Trafford on 9th February. Not because he had a good
game that particular day, but I believe a tribute is well due as he has
performed equally effectively nearly all season for Manchester City.



After running the show in the Maine Road derby in November, United watchers
were eager to point out that Berkovic wouldn’t have the same sort of
manoeuvrability in the return game once United’s midfield saviour Roy Keane
returned. Well, Keane was there last Sunday, but he certainly didn’t cramp
Eyals style. Neither did Nicky Butt, the other United hard-man who arrived
later on in the game, a clear case of locking the stable door after the
horse had bolted, who equally failed to stem the football flowing through
the enchanting Israeli.



Keane and Butt shouldn’t be too upset about this unlikeliest of players
outperforming Uniteds expensively assembled side home and away this season.
I’d make the point that Eyal Berkovic is currently the top performing
midfielder in the Premiership.



Overstated? A ridiculous notion? As a regular City watcher I could be
accused of wearing my blue spectacles. But over the course of this season
I’ve seen him outplay the aforementioned red hoards, wonderkid Gerrard and
his dour cohorts, compete with the best at Highbury and clearly get up Frank
Lampards nose, judging by the way he attempted to split Berkovic in two with
a ‘tackle’ at Maine Road earlier this season.



And I guess that sums up the reason Berkovic doesn’t enjoy the media hype of
his hyped-up midfield rivals. He doesn’t seem to remain friends with people
for a long period of time does he? The general view of the Lampard incident
that it was a leftover from their mutual West Ham days does seem plausible.
And you won’t need John Hartson to remind you what happened there. Friends
seem in short supply, equally so in the English media.



Every club he’s left he has done so under the proverbial cloud. A friend of
mine, a Celtic fan, urged me not to get attached when Keegan brought him to
Maine Road in the summer of 2001. Castigated by the fans, left to rot in
the reserves, here was a player that had promised so much upon his arrival
at Celtic Park before falling foul of everyone involved with the club. Yet
it was so different when he first arrived there, a stunning series of
displays initially promised so much more. This was pointed out to me as
Eyal started his City career in much the same way, a spectacular debut
against Watford on his home debut endeared him to the City faithful in a
familiar fashion for him.



For clubs he’s not played for he still seems to end up incurring the wrath
of the crowd, mainly for the theatricals. Hand waving, gesturing,
gesticulating, he embellishes the full range of his emotions openly if
things aren’t going right on the pitch, such as a bad refereeing decision,
which soon has rival fans on his back. But the flip side is the pure joy of
seeing the man celebrate a goal, the wild abandon he demonstrated after
scoring the goal many people felt was Citys goal of the season in 2001/2 at
home to Norwich will testify to this. For those of you not familiar with
the goal I must take this opportunity to talk you through it. Picking up a
quick throw-out from the keeper in the left wing position, Berkovic crossed
the half-way line dancing to his left and right until he had zig-zagged into
a one-on-one with the goalkeeper whereby he pushed the ball through the
keepers legs to complete a stunning goal. When you consider he’s not
blessed with remarkable pace, and he didn’t actually leave any defenders
trailing in his wake, merely holding off three of them before manoeuvring
himself into a shooting position, you realise this was a very special goal.



There have been allegations made about Berkovic’s demeanour off the field. Promises to perform engagements had not been fulfilled which never help to improve the popularity of the man.



It did look at the start of this season that maybe the characteristic turning point may be about to happen for Berkovic at City as it has done at every other club he has played at. Struggling in a Worthington Cup game at home to Crewe, Berkovic was alleged to have made a throat-slitting gesture to a female City barracker. From my seat in the Kippax I could sense a general undercurrent looming for him early season as his willingness (or rather his lack of) to compete for a few 50/50 tackles in midfield was turning some fans vocally against him.



It could have all gone nasty for him, but somehow he came through this
period, and has grown in stature in every game he has played this season, building up to his elixir, the Old Trafford derby. What helped him to keep on the right track at Maine Road when previously things had historically gone pear shaped? I don’t have the answer but I can speculate. A new-found maturity? After all, he probably realises if he blows his chance here he’ll never get another shot at the big time. Supreme man management? Kevin Keegan never seems to worry about handling temperamental players and bringing the best out of them. A feeling that maybe this is his spiritual home? Despite the aforementioned teething troubles earlier this season the City fans love watching Berkovic perform.



When we were boring and depressing ourselves to death and heading out of the Premiership under Joe Royle the City chatrooms and fanzines were brimming with solutions to our problems. The majority of them advocated signing Eyal Berkovic, as his guile, craft, and creativity was exactly what was missing out of Citys ballwinning midfield. Despite the meat-heads questioning his tackling skills I’m sure they would concede they’d rather have Berkovic than Ged

210 Squarefootball journo announce

that the Chairman was in consultation with Ballerlochlodie Academicals, the league leaders in the Galashiels and district Sunday league, who are a well financed well run club due to their secretary, Mr. Gordon Green, being a prudent collector of all due subs from every player on a weekly basis.



So, citing the infamous precedent set in the wake of Airdrie United last season, our chairman put Ross County into administration and they were promptly purchased by Gordon Green for the princely sum of £1.50. Gordon then merged the 2 clubs, creating County of Ross Ballerlochlodie
Academicals, or CRAB FC as they will be known forthwith. The Scottish FA then decreed that as the 2 teams had merged, the points achieved by each team so far this season should also be merged, so with an additional 45 points in the bag on top of what Ross County had gained CRAB FC sailed to the top of the Scottish League Division 1!



As a by-product of Ross County entering administration I was made redundant, so once again I find myself looking for a new club. Any offers out there for me? Contact harryflatcap@hotmail.com with details, though I’ll have to find an internet caf in Dingwall to view them as I walked away from Ross County with very little and am currently living rough on the very cold streets of this Scottish town.



Help me very quickly before I freeze to death



Harry Flatcap


It was a difficult decision for me to turn my back on international football. I realise it may seem that I am jumping on a popular bandwagon at the moment, but if Andy Cole can retire from international football simply because he hadn’t been picked for a while – and was unlikely to be picked again – then so can I. I have decided that it was time to spend more time with my family and concentrate the remaining years of my career on Monday night six-a-side football.



You cannot please all the people all the time and I have decided that given the weight problems I have had, (I have already rung Shane Warne for some advice there!) I think the extra work involved in international duty is too much for my body.



Following the ankle injury I sustained last month attempting to tackle someone who is at least twice as quick as me, and had scored before I had half completed the ‘challenge’ (tackle would be the wrong word), I have not been able to get to the pub as easily as before. It is mainly for this reason that I will be unavailable for tonights England versus Australia match. The landlord of The Tap has already put in a compensation claim with the relevant authority, but he has apparently been having some difficulty with the JJB SoccerDome automated help desk system. The 3 different voices and accents that need to be negotiated before you get through to someone with no interest in helping you does take some nerve.



I feel that my pub going will be extended by cutting out these needless mid-week friendlies and concentrating on the club game, which after all is my meat and drink (but mainly drink). My wife will then, probably, let me continue to watch football indefinitely. The alternative of divorce may not be the glorious sunlit upland that some would have you believe. After all if you’ve thrown a four – would you throw again?



When Alex Ferguson, I mean Roy Keane decided that Roy Keane should retire from international football earlier this week there was uproar in the Irish community about the matter. Well, the one Irish lad I know (who’s a Liverpool fan) was up in arms about it. But quite rightly, Mr Keane listened to his body, his doctor and his other half. And I’m sure his wife had an opinion too. I am hoping for a less extreme response.



This is not a decision I have taken lightly, but the stresses and strains involved in the extra matches is simply not worth it to watch a load of one cap wonders and children who were born after Adam and the Ants split up. I hope people will understand. Thank you.

207 Australia should stay where it

Given that most of their players are based in Europe, and that there is always a fan base in Europe for the team, why shouldn’t Australia play in Europe. London would appear to be the natural location and it can only benefit the game in Australia in the long run… hang on, is this really a good idea?



If there are three countries who shouldn’t be playing football they are (in this order) USA, Australia and Japan. The Americans will change the rules so that only massive automatons can play, the Australians will get too good and Japanese will perfect the game, in miniature.



Up to now we’ve done very well in keeping these teams disinterested in football (it’s all 0-0 draws, in the rain, honest) but USA and Japan are now showing a disquieting ability. The only team that have consistently been poor at football have been Australia.



But just when you feel that Australian interest may be waning and going back to cricket and Rugby, Sepp Blatter just about guarantees Australia entry into the next World Cup by giving their federation an automatic qualification spot. This instantly makes Australians feel hard done to for having to play qualifiers in the past – ooh two legs against Iran or Uruguay, can you believe the pressure – and guarantees their renewed efforts in the future.



Australians appear to be sports mad, given that every single one of them routinely runs a marathon before breakfast, which is barbequed prawns, apparently. If they were good at football they would have nothing left to be good at. People need goals in this life, if we deprive them of goals no doubt Australians will stop swimming five miles in their lunch hour and will spend their spare time instead swilling lager, eating too much meat and getting sunstroke.



Developing football nations, like Scotland, do not need another world class team to stop them from achieving World Cup success (which is getting to the knock-out stage for the uninitiated) they need support, understanding and perhaps a relaxation of the nationality rules so that they can play a Rangers/Celtic side instead of the players from the lesser sides who insist on picking Scotsmen.



Australia should stay where it is warm, where there are toothy actresses who have yet to experience the horror of Pantomime in Skegness. Australia should be grateful that they will be going to the World Cup – well its much more certain that they will be there than England will.

206 Seven

e one true world class player we have…”



“I’ve had a bid from Berwick for him, £10,000….”



“Well, sell Jonathan and I’ll have to seriously consider my future”



“If you consider your future, and leave, you’ll no be entitled to any
compensation when I sack you for destroyin’ this club.”



“I’ve considered my position, and though I don’t like to see quality players
leave I have made a commitment here and I will stay to get the job done”



So I was rather shocked that both Cleantackle and Metalfence ended up
leaving the club in the week, leaving us rather short on quality both up
front and at the back.



And who did Cleantackle sign for? Ayr United, our opponents this week. It
was a rather solemn press conference we held with Archie McLekerman as we
broke the news to the media about the sales. Archie seemed particularly
perturbed when the club is in the midst of a financial crisis to hear that
the transfer fee for Robbie was…rather ironically…A set of goalposts.



So an eventful week, hopefully in the face of adversity we can beat Ayr on
Saturday, and I’ll let you know how we got on.



Meanwhile, if you’d like to sponsor our Jail End, or you are a guilty
African fraudster wishing to repent, or you have any other views of interest
please contact me via e-mail at harryflatcap@hotmail.com



Cheerio



Harry Flatcap


The number 7 is often seen as a lucky number especially for football teams. But disturbing research (well not that disturbing really) suggests that 7 is now an unlucky Premiership number. Looking back the team finishing in seventh place in the Premiership has plenty of tough luck, bad refereeing decisions and Nationwide League football to look forward to. We consider the facts (or use conjecture where necessary).



Before the advent of squad numbers the seven shirt was worn by the playmaker, the captain, the pivotal player. Your number 9 was your goalscorer (or 10 after Pele made it desirable), your 6 was your big centre-half and your 11 was your flighty winger as likely to sleep with the Chairman’s daughter or open a boutique as they would be to bewitch a full back. But the seven shirt was usually the important one.



Seventh spot in the Premiership is however different. If you look at the teams finishing in seventh spot for the past few seasons you will understand why. Teams finishing in seventh place over the last ten years have been:



Sheffield Wednesday 3 times



Sunderland twice



West Ham, Liverpool, Aston Villa, Blackburn and Tottenham - once.



After finishing seventh the story for many of these teams is poor. Serial seventh placers Sheffield Wednesday are now on the brink of a further relegation and are in such dire financial straits that the brass band has been transfer-listed (no offers). Sunderland have already been relegated twice from the Premiership and Sergeant ‘2 wins from 17’ Wilko looks like making it three. Blackburn and West Ham have not escaped the drop from the Premiership before now and the hammers look like they are on the Roeder to nowhere (sorry) again this term.



Only three of these teams have escaped relegation but none of them has used a seventh place finish as a platform for league success.



Finally, the team that is overall seventh best since the Premiership began is Newcastle United. Can there be a more unlucky side, coasting to the title before buying too many strikers. Cup final appearances aplenty but no major trophy for over 350 years (approx.). This is everyone’s second favourite team, possibly because they are so British in their ability to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.



Seven it’s the new number for Premiership mediocrity. And Tottenham are the current custodians and favourites to finish seventh, perhaps it’s a curse for something that Glenn Hoddle did in a former life.

205 Harry Flatcap sells his crown

It’s been an interesting week here at Ross County which is just as well,
because I’ve learnt that the Scottish Division 1 is just about the dullest
league I’ve ever been involved in.



The week started out promisingly, as I targeted the man I wanted to lead our
attack and give us the goals we needed to climb up the table. Robbie
Cleantackler was the man I needed, and I felt we could get him at a good
price because his club, Highland League side Risloch United are beset by
cash problems. At the start of the week I offered the cash strapped outfit
£1000, a set of goalposts, and 20 footballs to land the services of a man
with a proven record, he has previously played for Ross County and averaged
a goal every other game, but the bright lights of Dingwall had led him
astray. Coupled with some injury problems (the guy had a nose job that went
wrong and left him looking like a poor Michael Jackson impersonator, now he
permanently has to wear a sticking plaster to hold the nose to his face) the
lad hasn’t really played much recently so I thought the offer was fair, and
faxed our intent over to the Risloch manager, Elvin McTel.



He was furious
the board even considered the deal, and attempted to dissuade the board from
selling his prize asset. Unfortunately a cruel stroke of luck befell McTel
– The vicious winter weather blasted through the small village of Risloch,
ironically destroying the goalposts in a freak hail shower. Elvin had no
choice but to talk to us, but spying the desperation in his voice I told him
our offer had changed – We would offer £500 plus the goalposts, but we’re
keeping the footballs. McTel attempted to steer his clubs committee away
from the offer, calling it “derisory” and naming me “a shyster” which I
found rather harsh. As the deal seemed to hit an impasse, and sensing my
need to bring a quality striker to the club may collapse, I compromised by
offering to provide a football to Risloch every time Robbie played 10 games
for us. Thus the deal was clinched and I unveiled Robbie at our next match,
against Alloa.



You may recall I stated in my last column I considered Alloa to be rubbish,
and we would brush them aside easily. So you could appreciate my fury as we
left the field at half-time staring defeat in the face with a 2 goal
deficit.



“I pinned your column on the dressing room wall”



the manager of
Alloa (I’ve no idea who he is) told me as we trotted off for a half time
cuppa.



“Looks like it’s motivated my lads eh?”



I quietly resolved to
ensure there was no hot water in their changing room at full time and
disappeared into the home changing room to administer a good old fashioned
‘hairdryer’.



Meanwhile, I had to agonise over a selection conundrum: I’d
placed Robbie Cleantackle on the bench, my strategy being I wouldn’t play
him unless needed as I didn’t want to run up a bill for new footballs. I
must admit to a rare feeling of indecision as the second half kicked off,
and time started ticking away, as I contemplated moving Robbie onto the ‘1
game played 9 to go to a football’ statistic. With 15 minutes to go, we had
a breakthrough with a rather fortuitous own goal when a speculative shot
from 30 yards out hit the backside of Alloa defender Michael Monkeyback and
flew into the opposite end of the goal to the one their goalie was heading.



With our Jail Enders getting seriously excited (the news of Cleantackles
signing added 23 to the average gate) I decided to throw Robbie on to cause
some mayhem in the Alloa penalty area. It worked! Within 7 minutes the
hapless Monkeyback had scored 2 more own goals to win us the game, and give
our local reporter Archie McLekerman a fantastic headline in the Dingwall
Argus: “Monkeyback helps lift the Monkey off Flatcaps back!” Well it was
worth moving 1 game nearer to the purchase of a new football for Risloch
United anyway! Afterwards the Alloa manager growled “How much did you pay
the lad for his hat-trick Flatcap?” when the truth is that the idea only
fleetingly passed my mind and of course I would never stoop so low as to
bribe a footballer (particularly 1 as dumb looking as Monkeyback, how do you
know if you’d be getting your moneys worth?). However the mention of
hat-tricks made me realise that Monkeyback is now the top scorer for Ross
County this season with his 3 goals! Hopefully, I thought, Robbie will soon
get off the mark and claim top spot for himself.



But how wrong I was! The next day the Chairman summoned me to a meeting in
his office.



“Flatcap! Are ye some sort of bluddy fool or somthin’?



Did ye give yer
friends in Africa our bank details by any chance?”



“Well yes, they needed to know where to deposit the funds they were willing
to dispose to us!”



“Ye idiot! They were fraudsters! They cleaned us out Flatcap! The club is
now penniless! All the money I ploughed in has gone! Ye hear me! Gone!”



Well I was shocked. Sure, I knew that people sending me e-mails from
Nigeria offering me untold riches were never going to be bona fide honest
businessmen, but we were desperate and I wanted a new centre forward and a
left side attacking wing back. Whilst aware that these guys had been
labelled fraudsters in the past, the last e-mail from them seemed genuine
and well it’s like any investment, the value can go up as well as down, so
it seemed worth the risk.



“Well we’ve no choice Flatcap, we’re goin’ to have to sell some
players…though god knows what we can raise wi’ the motley crew you’ve
cobbled together. I’ve decided…it’s either Robbie Cleantackle…or Jonathan
Metalfence”



“Not Jonathan!”



I screamed. He’s the jewel in our crown, the bloke the big
boys all covet, th

204 It’s a trapdoor, not a yo-yo

Forget the top of the table, it’s the bottom where all the action is. The rewards of Champions League football and the financial implications of mediocrity are all well and good, but drop out of the table and the results can be disastrous. Despite the metaphor of a yo-yo being bandied about, relegated teams rarely bounce straight back – and are usually counting the financial costs for years afterwards. It’s a trapdoor really, and every year the fall is harder to take.



Ipswich Town, Derby County and Leicester City were relegated last season and all have been forced to sell four or five players to survive financially. Leicester City have done the best, despite a transfer embargo, under their canny new manager, Micky Adams and may bounce straight back. Derby and Ipswich may need more time.



In season 2000/1 the fall guys were Bradford City, Coventry City and Manchester City of these only Manchester City with their big crowds and good income base has prospered. This term Coventry could get into the promotion play-offs, but it’s a far cry from thirty-odd consecutive seasons in the top flight. Bradford had to sack their entire playing staff and nearly folded.



Wimbledon, Sheffield Wednesday and Watford fell at the turn of the century and Wednesday are now struggling to avoid a further relegation. Watford are reeling from the Vialli year and Wimbledon are moving to Milton Keynes with a sub-Conference size average attendance.



Go back to 1998/9 and there are some signs of recovery. Blackburn were revitalised by Graeme Souness following relegation under Roy Hodgson was confirmed under Brian Kidd, Charlton stuck by Alan Curbishley and quickly re-achieved promotion. Only Nottingham Forest have taken time to recover and four years later are pressing for promotion.



Finally, of the 1997/8 season teams only Bolton Wanderers have got back into the Premiership. Crystal Palace may be looking an outside bet for promotion but Barnsley are still struggling financially.



What about the old maxim about it being better to be relegated and bounce back than to suffer a series of relegation battles? Well it’s rubbish. Look at Everton, in 1997/8 they avoided relegation on goal difference, finishing in 17th place. They then struggled for the next four seasons finishing in 14th ,13th, 16th and 15th. Until suddenly this season they are threatening to get a top-five finish and European football. It’s clearly better to hang on and hope than give up.



Look at the 20 teams in the top division six years ago and 9 have been relegated in the meantime, a further 4, Nottingham Forest, Bradford, Watford, Ipswich have been promoted and relegated subsequently. So 13 clubs have been relegated and only 4, Bolton, Manchester City, Blackburn and Charlton are current Premiership clubs.



So the statistics say that if you are relegated you have a one-in-three chance of promotion again within six years, which isn’t the most pleasant statistic that could be bandied about. Forget the Arsenals and Manchester Uniteds, it’s the Bolton, Sunderland and West Ham fans that know real emotion at this stage of the season.

203 Why would Terry Venables leave

The will he / won’t he debate over the prospects of Terry Venables falling on his sword have been largely dispelled by reports in the press today. Following a secret meeting with players that took, ooh minutes, before it became general knowledge, Venables reportedly stated his intention to see out the season. Despite the fact he was odds on to be the next manager to go there are a number of reasons why this was not really very likely.



Money. To start with Venables reportedly earns £2m per year. He has never been shy in requesting good salaries and does not have the reputation as a resigner – he’d rather be sacked and collect the redundancy cash. Even if it means a protracted court case like when he left Spurs. To suggest that he would willingly abandon his last paid football management job over a transfer he didn’t agree with is nonsensical.



Reputation. Turn the clock back just six weeks and Terry Venables was on the brink of an ignominious end to his football management career. He’d shunned fans favourite David Batty, Leeds had gone out of the UEFA Cup following a limp home display against Malaga on the 12th of December. In the league 1 win in 9 had left Leeds facing a relegation battle and on a freezing Lancashire evening, just 4 days later they had to travel to similarly troubled Bolton. Defeat then and Venables may well have been sacked, but Danny Mills swung his weaker foot and drilled in a twenty-yard screamer off the bottom of the bar and Leeds went on to thump Bolton 3-0. Leeds then started winning again and are now comfortable in mid-table and a late season surge may see them challenge for Europe.



Venables went from a hate figure for the fans to something much warmer when he spoke out against the sale of Jonathon Woodgate. Now with so many players sold and no money to spend he can only enhance his reputation. If he fails it’s the boards fault, if he succeeds its because he’s a genius. All this with a team that is still a genuine top five team.



Career. Leeds are a big club, with a European profile. With an eye to his pension fund Venables has probably been given the best team (barring England) at the end of his career. Given his media interests, this is surely just what Terry Venables needs now before the inevitable book deal (Leeds United to Elland Back?) This is likely to be his last job before he hangs up his managers’ sheepskin and dons the shiny suit of a TV pundit. Why should he curtail it.



Leeds. Finally there’s the team he has at Leeds. Of the players he has lost since joining only Rio Ferdinand and Jonathon Woodgate were absolutely central to his plans. Olivier Dacourt, Lee Bowyer and Robbie Fowler were bit part players at best and so he won’t worry too much about their departure. The players left include England players and hopefuls like Robinson, Martyn, Mills and Smith. Experienced internationals like Matteo, Radebe, Bakke and Viduka. And finally the world class talent of Harry Kewell. This is the basis of a great side and the players do want to play for this manager.



The end of Terry Venables football management career has seen him find the most talented club side he has ever managed embroiled in the biggest cash crisis he has been involved in. Terry is probably loving every minute of it. He’s high profile, on a fortune, has a good team and journalists are hanging on his every word. Why would Terry Venables leave Leeds?

200 Harry Flatcap and the cup gian

ies agent
wandering around Dingwall with a couple of heavies, one of them looking
suspiciously like Vinnie Jones. If you know where Frankie is please tell
him to make contact with us – thanks!



OK, you want to hear about the transfer gossip. And let’s face it, after 5
months without any, we’re all lapping it up aren’t we! Firstly, there were
rumours circulating that Robbie Fowlers transfer to Manchester City was
scuppered by an un-named club countering with an improved bid. I can
exclusively reveal this was true, and the club involved were Ross County!
He came up here for a medical because obviously a man with Robbies recent
fitness record needs to be investigated thoroughly. I told the doctor in
charge of Robbies medical that this must be the most comprehensive medical
ever carried out on a player bearing in mind the money that was to be tied
up in the deal. Two hours after I’d left Robbie with the doctor I decided
to venture down to the doctors room to see how things were progressing.
Just before I got to the doctors door Robbie burst through it, completely
naked, running away from the doc with a look of terror on his face.



“No way!”



Robbie shouted as he ran down the corridor



“That’s the final straw!”



Immediately the doc peered around the door, clearly he had just inserted a
rubber glove over his hand.



“I’d only asked him to bend over a wee while”



said the doc, clearly bemused by the whole situation. All I could conclude
is that Robbie clearly hasn’t lost his pace and will be an asset to any club
that he ends up playing for.



Next on the agenda was Brazilian playmaker Kleberson. The silky samba
soccer sensation clearly has designs on playing in the Premiership but we
attempted to lure him to Scotland with a deal that we thought he’d find
suitable. The Brazilian lad can’t leave Brazil until he marries his fianc,
and he can’t marry her until she turns 16 in February. Therefore as part of
the transfer package we volunteered to set up a fantastic wedding reception
for the lucky couple. Kleberson was keen, but with a stroke of tragic
misfortune the Dingwall Charlie Chalk adventure playground restaurant
complex with giant-size ball pool had already been booked for another childs
party on the weekend of the wedding so unfortunately we weren’t able to make
good on our promises and the boy slipped through our fingers.



So I tried a ‘shock’ (which is the word every journalist in every tabloid
newspaper always uses in the first paragraph of every transfer story) move
for Newcastle legend Alan Shearer. Unfortunately he took less time to turn
us down than it did for him to score his goal against Man City on Saturday.



All in all it left me with a very inexperienced bunch of youngsters and loan
players to take to St. Mirren, many of them picked up from an advert I
placed in the Dingwall and region edition of Loot at the beginning of the
week. Even my management team is lacking in experience right now, my
right-hand man is Jack Steiner, who I signed up cheaply when he was able to
demonstrate that he’d led Ross County from the 1st Division of the Scottish
League to winning the Champions League on the computer game Championship
Manager in just 4 seasons. Lets hope this is replicated in real life eh?



All the best, if you know of any exciting players who could do a job at Ross
County or would like to pass on your comments you can contact me at
harryflatcap@hotmail.com



Regards



Harry



Ah! The romance of the Cup. In England the FA Cup had moved onto the 4th
round stage, an intriguing time where the last of the minnows attempt to
hang in there with the big boys. Meanwhile, over in Scotland it was round
3, and the big boys enter the tournament at this stage. There is something
really special and romantic about it all. Well, there is in England anyway.



From what I can work out what happens here in Scotland is that two
scenarios are inevitably played out:



a) Celtic play Rangers in the final.



b) Celtic play Rangers in an earlier round, therefore Celtic or Rangers
obliterate somebody else in the final.



Despite this predictability, clubs here in Scotland aspire to progress
through the rounds in the hope that they can be the whipping boys at Hampden
Park come May. And the romance of the cup ensured there was a giant killing
in our vicinity, as Greenock Morton dumped us out of the competition last
Saturday.



However I don’t like to use the words like ‘upset’ or ‘shock result’ as the
media were banging around after Ross County were beaten. Morton are one of
the best teams in division 2 and therefore went into the game with a real
chance. Sure, to lose once again 5-0, this time at home, was a big blow.
But I have a young team here (average age 17 and a half) so you have to take
that into account. Anyway, congratulations to Morton, I wish them all the
best in their quest to be slaughtered by either Celtic or Rangers sometime
this season.



A much better test will take place this weekend, when my brave young boys
take on Alloa. Lets be honest about this, Alloa are rubbish. Bottom of the
league, well adrift, this will be the opportunity for all the young lads
I’ve drafted into the squad to receive a morale boosting victory.



Yes, some criticised my strategy in relieving the whole first team squad of
their jobs as I strove to create a more professional environment. But I
believe the best thing to do, under the circumstances, is to write this
season off in terms of promotion (to pull back a 20 plus point deficit maybe
asking too much of my young boys) and to give the lads experience that will
serve them well in the future.



I admire the job being done by Carlton
Palmer, at Stockport County, and use it as a template to assist me in moving
Ross County forward. He took over last season, immediately slagged off the
previous incumbent of the job for leaving unfit, substandard players, and
then shipped the lot out, leaving a squad of raw youngsters. Relegation was
achieved by about February, which gave Carlton the chance to kick out more
players, leaving an even younger and inexperienced squad who would gain
lessons playing against div 1 players that would help them in the promotion
quest this season, particularly as Carlton would have a pre-season to get
them fit. Admittedly, the team aren’t exactly amongst the promotion
pace-setters (indeed relegation looks a possibility again whilst fans
clamour for Carltons head) but I’m sure Carltons man-management style of
continually belittling his players until they pull their socks up and
bemoaning referees who have a vendetta against him will eventually see him
pull through.



What I won’t do is use the fact that I have a young team here
as an excuse for the defeats we will inevitably suffer. Are you reading
this Mr. O’Leary?!? But I must say, playing a team of babes in arms isn’t
the ideal situation but at the moment we are stuck with it.



Anyway, to try and add a bit of experience to the squad I asked my new
assistant manager Jack Steiner if he knew of anybody who we could bring in
to enhance the wee young lads who are trying manfully to lift the club up
the table. I wanted an experienced Scotsman, preferably with international
experience, who can enhance our options on either wing. Jack said to me



“Give me half an hour!”



and he was out of the office like a blur, almost
causing a lethal build up of static electricity as his polyester slacks
burned down the corridor carpet. He came back in the office and
breathlessly told me



“I’ve found a man!”



“That’s nice,”



I responded,



“But I thought you were trying to find me a new
player?”



“I’ve been home to check out the stats on my Championship manager game.
Last night I steered Ross County to a World Club Championship victory over
Fluminese”, and in my midfield was a veteran of the Scottish scene who has
done a good job for me, particularly in the Champions League.”



“Really?”



I asked, intrigued.



“What’s his name?”



“Pat Nevin.”


It transpires the version of Championship Manager Jack plays
is rather an old one, so I neglected to follow up on his tip.



Still, we are on the lookout for players, but we also need funds. The
African people I’d approached in lieu of supplementing the clubs income by
channelling fraudulently gained funds out of Nigeria and into our bank
account have gone quiet, so we needed to try alternative methods to raise
cash. At that point I had a brainwave. I organised a special night in the
club lounge called “THE ROSS’S COME TO ROSS COUNTY!” I then invited every
celebrity I could think of with the surname Ross to come down and meet fans
of the club. I racked my brain for hours and came up with the following
names to invite:



1. DIANA ROSS


2. JONATHAN ROSS


3. HIS BROTHER, PAUL ROSS


4. TREVOR ROSS, EX EVERTON AND ARSENAL



I felt Dingwall trading standards authority came down on us rather harshly
when fining the club for advertising the fact that all 4 were coming to the
event. I was optimistic even at short notice that they would all come but
it tr