618: Harry Flatcap hosts I'm a foot
by : Steve Heald
Hello to you SquareFootball readers, the official website covering the media event everyone’s talking about: I’M A FOOTBALL MANAGER GET ME OUT OF HERE!
As a well-known face in SquareFootball-land I’ve been signed up by the editor to bring you the inside low-down of the news, events, and gossip taking place inside the celebrity enclosure, buried deep inside the Amazonian rain forest.
Many outsiders have already criticised this event as a needless cash in on the success of the recent ‘I’m a celebrity…’ but nothing could be further from the truth. Admittedly, taking a bunch of blokes into the jungle and then asking them to submit to various unsavoury tasks may seem a little similar. However I feel using the unique and insightful members of this countries football management personalities will produce a ground-breaking show, as well as plenty of swearing probably, so best to keep the under 16’s away from the telly when we are on.
So who are the magical seven men who have agreed to perform in the show for the next seven weeks? I’m sure you will agree it is a tribute to the programme creators that they have recruited the cream of managers available, though the oodles of cash and the opportunity to branch into a career in the media may have massaged the ego’s of some of my competitors here. Not me, of course. I was glad to get out of Europe after it was revealed that one of my last duties when working at the cult that is known as EUFA was to award Istanbul the opportunity to stage the Champions League final next year. A bizarre choice, the most mild-mannered of protagonists have stated, my excuse was the heavy sedation I was under, the Turkish belly dancers, and the cheque with so many noughts on it I thought I was staring at a diagram of how battery farm eggs are produced.
So avoiding the whiff of scandal enveloping me back home, let me introduce you to the rest of my competitors.
KEVIN KEEGAN: Arriving on the back of a miserable run of defeats back at Manchester City, Kevin put down the stick with the handkerchief tied on the end of it holding his meagre possessions, wiped away a tear, and wandered straight back out of the compound to see if there were any games of football being played in the nearby villages. Kevins hope was to unearth a young African who could plug the gaps in his defence or score some goals.
ARSENE WENGER: Upon hearing about Kevins ambition he chuckled heartily; Being the studious type he knew the locals were all South American, not African. Besides, Arsene had got here early, spotted all the young boys with 2 legs, organised EU passports and shipped them all out to Hihghbury where they were assigned squad numbers 57-102.
GERARD HOULLIER: Like Kevin, keen to take a bit of respite from a difficult season, and may find it hard to loosen up and relax. I said to him “What time did you arrive here Gerard?” and his reply was “Why? Why do you need to know that? Were you watching me from round the corner?” He’s so defensive that Gerard!
GRAHAM TAYLOR: Every reality TV show needs one nutter to rub everyone up the wrong way, and we’ve got one of the biggest of the lot. On arriving in the jungle he organised to be taken from the airport to the jungle enclosure by asking the on board camera man to drive and got the driver to film the event. This would have proved handy when inevitably the jeep crashed but when the footage was replayed it would appear the event was filmed with the lens cap on. That Graham, always asking people to perform in roles they are not comfortable with!
BOBBY ROBSON: Everybody loves ol’ Bobby. He made a point of coming up to us, shaking us warmly by the hand, and slipping us a Werthers…twice, as he forgot he’d already spoken to us a couple of minutes previously. Bless him! He’s kept himself amused all morning attempting to pick up the world service on my mobile phone.
TREVOR FRANCIS: And if Bobby is the loveable character then I guess bloody Trevor Francis is going to be the one who always bores everyone to death.
He is so dull! I went for a quick dip in the nearby lake to freshen up and I was saddened to discover he was already there. I then had to listen to him blather on about being a teenage superstar, “bloody Karen Brady”, Cloughie and winning the European Cup, “bloody Karen Brady”, “bloody Simon Jordan”, and “bloody Karen Brady”. Let’s hope he’s on the first plane back to the East Midlands Airport sharpish!
So there you have it SquareFootball readers – You now have the chance to vote off the first manager – Pick one of the unlucky 7 and the loser will be revealed exclusively next week.
Remember Harry Flatcap is writing exclusively for SquareFootball – Number 1 for I’M A FOOTBALL MANAGER GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!