662: Harry Flatcap and I'm a footba
by : Steve Heald
Hello and welcome to week 4 of I’m a football manager get me out of here with chief contestant and the man with the behind the scenes gossip Harry Flatcap. Remember SquareFootball is your exclusive website for all the news and views relating to the hottest reality TV show featuring the only men in the country who wear garish anoraks with a shirt and tie on underneath.
As you’ll no doubt understand, I’m keeping a low profile this week and attempting not to antagonise you lovely people, the general public, after I nearly came a cropper on the last round of voting off a manager. Sure enough, mentally unstable Kevin Keegan was the man who disappeared from our camp this week, though I think viewers have determined that I was the man who single handed had pushed Kev to the edge of insanity.
It didn’t go un-noticed on the camera positioned inside our tent that I was up to a few cruel stunts with the emotional one. Yes, I admit, that I was the man who kept unbuttoning the tent flap nearest to Kevs head and smearing jam on his pillow, and watched as a herd of ants marched over his face towards their intended grub. Kev would curse, and being the nave guy he was would mutter about someone inexplicably dropping their food on his sleeping quarters, and the irresponsibility of someone leaving the tent flap open.
After cleaning the whole mess up and shooing the ants out Kev would climb back into bed and fall soundly asleep. At this point I’d repeat the process, and Kev would become more and more irritable the longer this went on until he gave up looking angry and would just sit back on his bed hands tucked deep into his managers jacket, collar turned up looking exceptionally perturbed. You only needed Terry McDermott stony faced alongside him and you could almost be back to 1995 watching Newcastle throw their long lead away as Man United went on to win the league.
Lack of sleep certainly made Kev even more unpredictable. He approached a large rhino wallowing in the river and asked Richard Dunne what he was doing here when he should be in Manchester. Kev decided on one occasion that he needed to justify to us his infamous miss in the 1982 world cup that eliminated England from the competition. Why he felt the need right then to redeem himself is uncertain, as was his demonstration, whereby Kev attempted to head a coconut with drastic consequences. The final straw was when he approached a couple of monkeys balancing on his tree shouting to them that he admired their footwork and balance and would they like a trial at City?
Unfortunately for Kev a big ape suddenly appeared beating his fists loudly on his chest and roaring for Kev to desist with this chatter. It would appear that even monkeys in the jungle have agents, and like their human equivalents they strike a hard bargain with a great deal of posturing thrown in.
So Kev had to go, but my sources have advised me how the media have picked up on my manipulation of the situation.
“Vote Flatcap out”
Were some of the cruel tabloid headlines during the week leading up to voting. However the public decided for his own sanity Kev should be allowed to return to a sane and stable working environment, so next weekend you will see him back in hihinatural environment, looking on morbidly as Manchester City stumble from one crisis to the next. See, they never should have sacked me!
To ensure I’m not in the frame for the voting this week I’ve kept a low profile, and made a point of being especially nice to the remaining managers. Which isn’t easy, when you have to share your life with Graham Taylor, Bobby Robson, and Trevor bloody Francis. I have to spend most of my time with Taylor, as Bob and Trev keep disappearing off together, humming ‘mysterious girl’ to one another. Most strange.
So from a very quiet and polite Harry Flatcap, a man attempting to turn around the media tide, I bid you farewell, but hopefully only for one week as I hope to be the top manager in the jungle!
All the best