881: Premiership managers brawl: Sa

by : Colin Illingworth

Martin Tyler: Hello and welcome to the jam packed Theatre of Dreams, Old Trafford, for the most important match of Sir Alex Ferguson’s life as he battles the competition’s surprise package Big Sam Allardyce. The Theatre of Dreams could be one big nightmare if Fergie cannot overcome the might of ‘The Clubber’ tonight. The whole country has been talking about PMB following the semi final massacre between Arsene Wenger and Claudio Ranieri, and Fergie and Big Sam will have to go some to beat the level of barbaric exploits they reached.
Andy Gray: Hello fight fans. Yeah Wenger Vs Ranieri was the most gruesome brawl this competition has ever seen. It was that bad I ended up staring at posters of Luke Chadwick to get away from the brutality. It really was that ugly!
Martin: Fergie has been one of the bookies favourites right from the start but Big Sam has totally surprised everybody. He’s the only qualifier to have made an impact in this competition.
Andy: And what a fighter he has proved to be. He destroyed Peter Reid in the qualifiers, stole his monkey, which we should see tonight cos everybody loves a monkey, and steamed past everyone who has stood in his way.
Martin: Who’s to say that he can’t reach the final?
Andy: Er, Sir Alex probably. If ever there was going to be a battle of the heavyweights this is it. Both men are over 15 stones and truly define the term fighter. They never know when to give up and will fight to the very death which means we have a right slobber knocker on are hands.
Martin: What have I told you about watching that American wrestling? … Anyway this huge Old Trafford crowd are in a fervour and the 30,000 Bolton fans who have made the trip over tonight are creating a great atmosphere in support of their boss.
Andy: Well to be fair the United fans are also making a fair sound too… those prawns are making a right crunchy noise!
Martin: No doubt Roy Keane will be out soon to sort them out. However we have recalled our intrepid reporter Chris Kamara for tonight’s clash of the titans and sent him out on to the streets on Manchester to gauge the fans opinions of this massive brawl.
Kamara: Here I am standing with a crowd of Manchester United fans, lads, how do you see the fiery Scot Fergie getting on with the competitions surprise package Big Sam.
United fan 1: Well I must say I was a bit confused when I saw the advert saying Fergie V Big Sam because I thought what on earth is Fergie doing fighting Sam Dingle from Emmerdale? Surely he doesn’t have shares on the Rock of Gibraltar as well!
Kamara: No it’s not Sam Dingle he’s fighting… its Bolton’s manager Sam Allardyce.
United fans together: Oooohhhhhh.
United fan 1: Oh right. Well in that case Fergie has got nothing to worry about has he.
United fan 2: Yeah give Allardyce his dews I mean to get this far in the competition is superb but he’s now going to take on THE MAN in the Premiership, Sir Alex. He can’t compete with the games most successful manager.
United fan 3: Yeah even though he is older than the Titanic he can still fight. Just ask David Beckham!
Kamara: Ok lads’ thanks for your time. Now let’s just head over here and grab a few words with some Bolton fans… Excuse me lads, presumably you’re all here for the big bash Fergie V Allardyce. How do you think things will go?
Bolton fan 1: It’ll be tough but Big Sam has showed his fighting credentials throughout this competition and he won’t want all his past efforts to go to waste to exit tonight. Like his theme tune he is a fighter and we will see that again.
Bolton fan 2: The biggest thing in his arsenal is his unpredictably. Nobody knows what he is about to do. I doubt he does himself half the time! And if he doesn’t then how can Fergie possibly plan to defend against him?
Kamara: Thanks lads, well the fans are split but there is one thing that they do agree with… this will be a titanic tussle which will be talked about for centuries to come. Back to you at ringside.
Martin: Thank you Chris for not screaming down the camera like a madman like you normally do. Andy: Maybe that last kick-in he received sorted him out.
Martin: If it doesn’t he’ll be sure to get another! Anyway the fighters are chomping at the bit so Andy if you could give us a brief run down on the latest betting please.
Andy: Certainly Martin. The bookies have predictably gone for the safe option again by making it too close to call. Fergie is at 1/3 and Big Sam is at 1/2. However money is to be made with these money-spinning offers from all leading bookmakers. For Roy Keane to come down and smash up a few prawn sandwich eating fans you’ll get very good odds of 15/1.